Category 17: Athletes

Eric	Richard	Khurram	Derrick
Rocky	Terry Tate, Office Linebacker	Kevin Johnson	Michael Jordan
Anna Kournikova	Charles Barkley	Troy Aikman	Walter Payton
Jenny Finch	Danica Patrick	Barry Sanders	Shane Falco

Round 1: Eric starts off us with Rocky. My fondness for Rocky is well known, and what can I say about Rocky that hasn’t already been said in 5 films (remember, Rocky V NEVER HAPPENED)? The man has a heart of a champion. He could eat lightning and crap thunder. And he always knew that it wasn’t about how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. He bested Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang (who was Mike Tyson before Mike Tyson was Mike Tyson), and Ivan Drago, the latter of which ended the Cold War (2 minutes in). Rocky also gave us the Eye of the Tiger, the world’s only 15-speed car, and manly beach frolics in shorts that ride way too high (around the 2:30 mark, and definitely at the 3 minute mark of that clip). Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that he practically became a caricature of himself by the end, but it’s all good. Some might feel Rocky is a little overrated, and I can’t really blame them. I used to think that a long time ago. But after watching his feats in the first 4 films and then battling it out with Mason “The Line” Dixon at the age of 60, I now think he is probably underrated in American culture. I’ve come to admire Rocky, and I urge you haters out there to reconsider your position as well. Because, if I can change, and you can change…

I followed up the greatest American athletic hero, with the greatest athletic hero period. Number 56 on the field and number 1 in your hearts, curing office malaise around the world, Terrible Terry Tate. This was a no-brainer of a pick. Known for his bone crunching hits and Seussian rhyming ability (“You can’t cut the cheese wherever you please!”), the Pain Train is not to be trifled with. But before you go and think this physical specimen is one dimensional, let’s not forget Terry Tate grew up with ambitions of being a world class mime. Thankfully, Tate took the right path when he reached his “fork of destiny” and made people enter Terry’s pantomime box of pain, from which there was no escape. After that, the rest is pretty much history. Triple T delighted his co-workers with his sunny demeanor, yet kept them on their toes with his uncanny ability to read and react. That, coupled with his ability to be an outstanding mentor, and contribute off the field (knowing exactly when enterprise falls into loss), led OSPN to make him their office athlete of the century. I picked him for all of those reasons, but most importantly, I picked Triple T because he always knows what time it is. After all, when its game time, its pain time! Bitch!

Khurram picks Kevin Johnson next. He was an outstanding basketball player, and is running or has already run to be the mayor of Sacramento. Aside from that, I really don’t have a whole lot to add, except for this dunk over Hakeem Olajuwon.

Derrick was up last in this round. Cue up the Chicago Bulls theme that he selected earlier. Let it flow into your veins. AND FROM NORTH CAROLINA AT GUARD 6’6….MICHAEL JORDAN!! Of course, during the introductions of his first game back after his first retirement, if you sat in the building, all you heard was, “from North Carolina”, before the rest was drowned out by cheers. Outside of Ali, Jordan might just be the most beloved athlete of all time. He is still culturally relevant despite being out of the game for so long. There is no such thing as hyperbole when describing Jordan’s talents and accomplishments (though I am being hyperbolic at the moment). Six rings, countless clutch shots, the first shooting guard to ever lead his team to a championship, dunks that defied gravity and tantalized the imagination and Space Jam. Simply put, the Greatest of All Time.

Round 2: Derrick sticks with Chicago icons in round 2 and goes with Walter Payton. So great was this running back’s hold on Chicago, that I’ve heard of many a Bears fan who has either a son or daughter named Payton. His grace, fluidity and power while running the ball will always be remembered. The fact that The Refrigerator scored what should have been Payton’s touchdown in the Super Bowl is a disgrace. But it’s not a tragedy, as some people have argued. What is a tragedy though, is the fact that he is no longer with us. They called him Sweetness. Nothing more need be said.

Khurram selected another football icon with this pick. Troy Aikman was hated by many football fans simply because he played for the Dallas Cowboys. That’s okay with me. But, even the haters out there cannot deny how good he was. Sure there will be some who say that he was a product of the talent that surrounded him, but his accuracy is pretty much unparalleled in NFL history. He also managed to get along equally well with both Michael Irvine and Jay Novacek and has been described by many teammates as a true leader. I’m reading a book on the Cowboys dynasty of the 1990’s and the stuff that happened during that time period was crazy. Yet he managed to lead that team of talented miscreants and felons to a number of Super Bowl titles. Oh, and he had to publicly deny the rumor that he was gay. You can’t ask for more than that out of your quarterback.

My second round pick was none other than Charles Barkley. Why did I choose Barkley? Let me count the ways (lists are the sign of a lazy writer, but since I am one, I guess that’s okay):

1. Barkley vs. Godzilla.
2. His team once lost a bad game, and he subsequently told reporters, “That’s the kind of game that makes you want to go home and beat your wife”.
3. He barely beat a 67 year old ref in a foot race. (I love how he doesn't stretch at the start)
   
4. While in a fight with Shaq he threw a ball off of Shaq’s head (dammit, this video has been removed from youtube).
5. When he was annoyed with a guy at a bar, he threw that guy through a plate glass window out onto the street.
6. His nickname is "Round mound of rebound" and he once tried to hold his breath for 9 minutes- he failed.
7. Called Kobe Bryant selfish.
8. While on the postgame show on TNT, as the show was wrapping up, the host told viewers to stay tuned as TNT was showing a movie next. Barkley told viewers that the movie sucked and they should change the channel.
9. Called himself a dumbass on national television
10. Said he wanted to run over referee Mike Mathis with his car, put it in reverse and drive back over him
    

Plus, Barkley just seems like one of those athletes that you could sit around and have (many) beers with while watching a game or talking sports and he’d be completely cool, while making you laugh your ass off. The stories of him holding court in some bar where he is buying every patron there drinks are legendary. Oh, and he plays $25,000 hands of blackjack.

Eric closes out round 2 with Anna Kournikova. She never won a singles match in her life. She is more known for who she is dating than anything she has accomplished athletically. But that’s all quickly forgotten, when you see a picture like this.

Round 3: Eric goes with double hotties to start off round 3. However, unlike Kournikova, Jennie Finch is an accomplished athlete. She is widely regarded as one of the best pitchers in women softball history and has a couple of gold medals to her name. Real athletic accomplishments for a woman who looks good. I like it.

I too went the woman route with my pick of Danica Patrick. Before this year, she was on the Kournikova track of athletes as she was known more for her looks, she appeared in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue, than her skills. But, she finally has a win under her belt and been involved in a couple of highly publicized fights with both men and women at the track. She looks good and drives hard. Good times!

Khurram went with Barry Sanders to close out his choices in this category, and I have to say, I was really hoping he would choose Emmitt Smith, so I could use words like “debacled”. However, Khurram went with the most elusive running back of all time. Barry Sanders could gain 2 yards on a play, but they were the most exciting two yards you would ever see. He was well on his way to the top of the all time rushing list, but retired early. Some say he was smart, that he walked away at the top of his game while he still had his health. I say he was prescient as Matt Millen took over the Detroit Lions and fans eventually staged a walk out during the middle of the game. Who the hell would want to play for that team? Anyways, you watch this video (sorry for quality, best I could get with NFL police confiscating all NFL video), and you can’t help but wonder what might have been had he played longer and for a better team.

Finally, Derrick ends the round and the category with Shane “Footsteps” Falco. If you thought it was impressive what Troy Aikman was able to do with those ‘90’s Cowboys, just watch The Replacements and you’ll be blown away by Falco’s leadership ability. He had a 7-11 clerk and a deaf guy as receivers, a Sumo wrestler blocking for him, a preacher for a running back, and eventually an ex-con who filled in for him. Falco was courageous on the field, but he might have had even better game off it as he hooked up with the head cheerleader. So long as quicksand wasn’t around, Falco was unbeatable. Oh, a little known fact about that movie…Keanu Reeves almost got a tryout from the Ravens, because he was training in their facility and he looked really impressive throwing the ball around to receivers.

Overall Impressions: Everyone will have their own opinions I’m sure, but I really do love my picks. I love Jordan, but Terry Tate slightly beats out MJ and Rocky for me, and Charles Barkley blows away anyone else in round 2. I like what Eric did in drafting hot women since he has no real affinity towards athletes anyways. I also really can’t complain about Khurram or Derrick’s picks either. I thought Kevin Johnson was a reach, but I know of Khurram’s fondness of him. Jordan was a surefire number 1 pick, Payton is Payton and Falco, well he’ll always “survive”.