Category 22: Advisor

Eric	Richard	Khurram	Derrick
Professor X	Mr. Miyagi	Heidi Klum	Donald Trump
Beast	Confucious	Kofi Anan	Alfred from Batman

Round 1: Eric sticks with his tried and true comic book sources and goes with Professor X. I’ll tread lightly here since as we all know, comics are not exactly my strong suit, but I think I tentatively like the pick. I have two concerns though. The first being that he tends to be overly pacifistic and tolerant of everyone. I’m not too sure how well that would mesh with Eric’s motives of ensuring the return to glory of the white man. Which gives rise to my second concern. Let’s say Eric disagrees with Professor X’s advice, could not the professor use his own mind to simply over rule Eric’s? Much like the relationship between Bush and Cheney, this is too much power for an adviser to have.

With the second pick of this round, I selected the venerable Mr. Miyagi. Of all the teacher-student relationships that didn’t end Mary Kay Letourneau style, the Miyagi-Daniel relationship is probably the most well known. When you stop and think about all of the things Mr. Miyagi can bring to the table as your advisor, it becomes clear that he can truly be an all-purpose mentor (again, minus the Mary Kay Letourneau benefits). First, he helped a skinny 15 year old kid who thinks its cool to dress up like a shower for Halloween, win the All-Valley 17 and under Karate Tournament. Oh, he also helped Daniel achieve balance, which apparently helped cause a feisty Elizabeth Shue to become smitten with a kid who sounds like a fog horn when he speaks. And let’s not forget that if you get attacked by 17 year olds on mopeds, Miyagi can fight them all at once for you. Miyagi also has a fleet of vintage cars, so you know he’s good with money, and he works as a repairman in an apartment complex so he can teach you how to fix anything. Mr. Miyagi’s mentorship ended the reign of perhaps the most fearsome dojo to ever exist, the Cobra-Kai. Any sensei that can teach a kid to win fights against students of a dojo that teaches “Strike Hard. Strike First. No Mercy”, is good enough for me. You're the best Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down!

Khurram going for the ultimate two for one deal, gets Heidi Klum who will presumably advise him on all things fashion related. Or perhaps she can give advice on how to design clothes like she does on Project Runway (“Only on Bravo”). But wherever Heidi Klum goes, so will her scarface of a husband, Seal. Who knows though, maybe he can sing “Kiss from a Rose” as you walk down the runway on Germany’s Next Top Model, wearing the clothes you designed during the next season of Project Runway, all while under the watchful guise of Ms. Klum; the host of both shows. I'm subtracting meaningless points from this pick because when I was doing the writeup I came across the above linked Kiss from a rose video. I totally forgot that was how far Batman had fallen, and also I now have that damn song stuck in my head to the point of almost making an itunes purchase. Asshole.

Derrick finishes out this round with Mr. Ego himself, Donald Trump. Some might argue that Trump could advise Derrick on how to amass a fortune, or maybe how to recover from bankruptcy caused by your own stupidity to make yourself relevant again, but I don’t really see it that way. No, the best advice Trump could give is how to turn yourself into a marketable television star when you have no charisma or redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Round 1 Analysis: The best has to be Mr. Miyagi, right?

Round 2: Derrick goes with Alfred from Batman. I like this pick. Alfred is a good stabilizing force in one’s life. In addition to providing sound advice, Alfred will wait on you as well. Finally, we all know Alfred can keep a secret better than anyone else. There is really no foreseeable downside to this pick.

Khurram tabs Kofi Annan with his next pick and I don’t really get the point of this. Does Khurram need someone to advise him of the world’s affairs? And if so, is this really the guy to choose? Don’t get me wrong, Annan has accomplished some incredible things during his tenure as UN Secretary General, but would he really be tapped in to the happenings of the world? How would he get the inside dirt on other countries? I think Khurram would be better off getting his advice from THIS IS CNN, or Bill O’Reilly and his no-spin zone or maybe even Keith Olbermann and his post Sportscenter giant head, and saving his pick for someone else.

I take Confucius for my last pick of the round. When reached for comment, Confucius stated: “Confucius say this a panic pick. Next time get fortune cookie with fly lyce and kung pao chicken—you get same advice and tasty meal too.”

Eric takes Beast with the last pick of the round. Another comic book pick. Another X-men pick for fuck’s sake. How original. This is almost as bad as me going back to the sports well time and time again. Maybe worse. I can only ask, what kind of advice would Beast give you what Professor X wouldn’t?

Round 2 Analysis: I think this one goes to Derrick’s pick of Alfred. After all, he might be the only one who values secrecy above all else. Its good to have an advisor who you trust won’t sell your secrets to the tabloids or TMZ

Overall Analysis: There are token and half hearted picks galore in this category. I like the Miyagi and Alfred picks. I’m less sold on Professor X and Heidi Klum, and I think the rest were all pretty much throw away picks. You can tell these picks came after we stopped off at a Burger King and the food started to settle in. I think people’s minds may have started to drift to thoughts of the rapidly approaching Vegas, or calling dibs on the toilet.